I have put this off for at least a week, having a variety of excuses and yet I feel the only reason is that I didn’t want to go to the depth of feeling that is inhabiting me here and now.

On the day that honored Dr. Martin Luther King, I spent most of the afternoon and evening watching documentary films about this man. I saw many things I’ve not seen before. I was struck again by his courage, persistence, faith and determination to do what he had been called to do. I believe in calling, you may define it as purpose or Divine appointment, whatever it is, he honored it and served all of us by his words and actions. 

I was drawn to watch a documentary, which I had seen at least once, about Harvey Milk, who was also murdered like Martin for what he was standing for. I noticed I was again so moved by his commitment, his energy and passion to inspire people to be true to themselves, to come out, be proud of who they are. Harvey was a gay man who was, at the time of his death, serving as a representative on the Board of Supervisors in San Francisco. A movie was made about him, starring Sean Penn years later. If you can’t find the documentary, I invite you to check out the movie. You will see what I’m talking about. 

There was and still is an overwhelming feeling of sadness that came over me during this time, yet I kept being drawn to more of the same. I watched the movie about Ghandi, experiencing more of what I have shared here. 

When I turn on my TV, as I often do, many times it is on my favorite channel (no, it is not ESPN),Turner Classic Movies. The film that was coming to a close was about the holocaust. My favorite host, Ben Mankiewicz, then introduced the next film about 2 men who, in 1945, after the war and the liberation of the concentration camps, went to Europe to gather film evidence that the germans had made documenting the horrors of their murders. I watched it. Again, I saw the qualities I have addressed here in these men. The tenacity, the grueling physical and emotional conditions with which they endured to bring the truth to the Nuremberg trials.

I noticed by feelings, I noticed the depth of sadness that I was experiencing and as I often do, I repeated to myself, this too shall pass. I remembered how many times my beloved Michael Gott has reflected back to me, about the ways in which he has witnessed me staying with these feelings, whatever they are. He’s seen me come through them and be awake to the healing that wanted to become known to me. 

While this was going on, the Warriors lost a beloved coach to a heart attack. He was in his 40s. They took a week off from game to honor him and grieve. They won the game in which they paid tribute to him, then lost the next two games by 1 point. So sad for them. For those who aren’t sports fans, who may think I’m crazy to put these things together. I do not ask for your empathy and understanding. Sadness and heartbreak don’t seem to have preferences in my world. Thank God the Niners won on Sunday.

I had my final class on prayer with the Spirit Group from Unity today. When it was done, I realized I couldn’t escape the depth of my sadness, that I had somehow attempted to wait for it to pass, I had to feel it. I have cried and cried this past week or so and yet it was not enough to relieve me. So what is God calling me to? I don’t know yet. I am now writing, what I’ve delayed in doing in these past hours and days. 

My sadness is profound for what I am experiencing with family, what I see on the news, retaliation, hate, getting even, attack. What I want to remember is that the only thing I can change is my attitude. Michael Beckwith said something years ago that just now appeared to me, “May we see ourselves and others as God sees”.

Thank you for reading what I wrote. It has helped me move yet another step in my evolution. As it says in the Peace song, “let it begin with me”.

Quote from Ghandi:

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they can seem invincible but in the end they always fall, think of it, always.

Invitation: 

I invite you to feel what is alive in you and lean into your faith that God is here and all is well.