Today, May 31, 2020, there are people protesting in the streets throughout this country, and in the midst of this, a global pandemic is taking place. The news is being broadcast at this time, too much to take in, too much to witness and yet there are times I am compelled.
On this day, Sunday, as my grief has taken hold, when my sadness is deep and my outrage feels unparalleled, I long to be comforted. There is something in me, the presence of God, that assures me, and I am comforted by this awareness, that is alive here and now. And yet, I still feel all that I feel as this country erupts. I must trust that this too shall pass and there is no way and actually no need for me to know when and how and all those questions that sometimes haunt me. I must have faith.
Then there is the meantime, in the midst of, what do I need to do to move from one moment to another. Today is Sunday, I watched my beloved Rev. Michael Gott deliver his sermon from the Unity of Houston. He continues to meet me in my feeling state and support me in the consciousness that I hold to be true.
I virtually prayed for someone after my church service, which always reminds me of the truth as I saw someone confronting their own discomfort and sense of isolation and separation. It is always healing to pray for someone else, how blessed I am to do this.
After that I attended a meeting on zoom and had an opportunity to answer a question that was posed by the leader. The question was “What is it that you don’t want anyone to know about you”? I was put in a room with another Practitioner and gave her my response, which took courage and yet it felt powerful and liberating. I give thanks for her willingness to listen with an open and compassionate heart. Everything that happened after that had little consequence for me.
When I got off this machine, fixed some lunch, I realized that I was overtaken again by my sadness, grief, rage and anger which was now being fueled by what took place in the meeting. Many memories had emerged, old wounds surfaced and here I was, on a Sunday afternoon, what to do?
I chose one of the things that feeds, delights, invigorates and brings me joy… SPORTS. So I watched a show I had recorded about Steph Curry, which made me smile for 30 minutes. I love him so.
Then I engaged in an activity that I often do, I watched a movie, “Secretariat”, which was made in 2010. I remember going to the theater in Santa Rosa to see it and crying before it even began as I recalled that day I was at Churchill Downs in Louisville, Ky., when Secretariat won the 1973 Kentucky Derby.
I lived in Louisville at the time, I was a social worker and during racing season in the spring, I sold hot dogs at the track. That day, those of us working our hot dog stand, drew straws to see who had to stay and who got to go see the race, I won. I went into the grandstand and watched this horse run. It was astounding breathtaking, it was magic! It took my breath away. It is said that the Derby is the most exciting 2 minutes in sport. It’s true.
When I watched this movie today, and I have seen it many times, I was completely immersed in the story as I remembered that time in my life and at the same time I was aware of my feelings I woke up with. I felt gratitude that I knew how and what would comfort me. I am blessed to have the freedom to feel what I feel without explanation or a need to defend, explain or make sense of it. I watched as I experienced a soothing of my feeling intensity.
My post movie activity consisted of making an appt. with my therapist for the next day and eating ice cream with fresh strawberries. My friend Molly had sent me a poem she had written in honor of George Floyd. I felt met when I read it and proceeded to write this blog. I am blessed.
Invitation: I invite you to consider the possibility that feeling, even when it hurts, is a gateway to a deeper awareness to what is going on within you, what is calling to be healed, to be revealed.
Quote: Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1